Transcript:Cookin' Cookies
Miss Priss: Good morning, ladies! Flowerscouts: Good morning, Ms. Priss! Miss Priss: Now, who can tell me what starts today? Flowerscouts: Flowerscout Cookie Sales! Miss Priss: Yaaaaas! And which troop is going to sell the most? Flowerscouts: Troop #789! Miss Priss: Alriiiiight! And why are we going to do it? Flowerscouts: Because you'd rather die than let that bitch Susie Mendez... ...make you look bad in front of the other Garden Mothers! Miss Priss: Exactly... ... and, as your Garden Mother, I'm excited to tell you that this year... the Flowerscouts organization... has included a grand prize for the troop that sells the most cookies in the country: An all-expense paid trip to Cabo! GASP Sasha: O.M.G! Erin: I heard Cabo has like, the best beaches. Tabii: Miss Priss, are you for serious? Miss Priss: Interrupting is rude and ugly. Erin, Sasha & Tabii: Sorry. Priss: Now you girls are gonna sell skinny minties, lemon lilies and coconut cream candy tuffs! Until every last loser in Sleepy Peak has diabetes! I need that vacation. Pikeman: Good luck with that, ladies. Sasha: EW! It's the Woodscouts. Erin: What do YOU losers want? Pikeman: We merely wanted to offer you the last box of Woodscouts' Popcorn. Sasha: Nobody likes your shitty caramel corn, Woodscouts. Get lost! Pikeman: Oh, but I beg to differ. In fact, we just sold 99% of our popcorn supply to the good people of Sleepy Peak. Miss Priss: You did WHAT?! Pikeman: You annoying girls beat us to the punch every year with your cookies. So, we decided to rearrange our sales schedule. Billy: No one's gonna want cookies when they're already filled up on... ...popcorn. laughing Jeremy: nasally Pikeman: Jermy! I told you to stay in the van! Jermy: You forgot to crack the window. Pikeman: I didn't forget anything! Come on boys. Let's leave the little ladies to their humiliating defeat. Jermy: But really, you're going to want to roll down the window. Pikeman: God, I hate you. Sasha: Ugh! I can't even with them! Erin: What about Caboooooooo? Tabii: What are we gonna do? Miss Priss: Ladies... you're gonna get out there, and sell some cookies. By any means necessary! music [ Opening – "Camp Camp Song Song" ] Sasha: Flowerscout Cookies! Flowerscout cookie sales! We've got your Flowerscout...? Oh, for FUCK'S sake! Erin: Sasha, calm down, Stress causes wrinkles. Sasha: This is bullshit, Erin! Since when do we have to work to sell cookies? As long as I'm cute and beautiful, people should give me what I want! Tabii: Maybe everyone did fill up on popcorn. Sasha: Or maybe they're all freaked out by your disgusting eyepatch, Tabii! Tabii: I'm a monster! sobs chime ringing Miss Priss: Keep it down, girls. Garden Mommy has a wine headache. Sasha: Ms. Priss, this isn't working. Erin: What should we dooo? Tabii: I'm gonna eat my feelings. chomp Miss Priss: Girls, you can't survive in this world on good looks alone. and retches Sasha: LIAR! Miss Priss: I'm just saying that sometimes you have to do some extra work to make things better. Things like my face...or my breakfast. Erin: Maybe she's right. Maybe if we just work a little harder... ...we can better ourselves and achieve our goals. Sasha: Erin, I know Ms. Priss is the ideal role model... ...but you sound really stupid right now. Tabii: Yeah, idiot. Erin: You're right, I'm sorry. Sasha: We're not the problem. Obviously, it's these hella-lame cookies. They haven't changed since, like...the '90s. We just have to somehow make them better. Miss Priss: *whisper* Oh, that's better. Tabii: What's that, Miss Priss? Miss Priss: Desoxyn. Erin: What's Desoxyn? Miss Priss: Um... It's Spanish for...Sugar! Tabii: Like Mexican cane sugar? Erin: Mexican cane sugar is totes super popular right now. Sasha: That's right! No one wants that nasty corn syrup stuff... ... when they can have organic sugar from an exotic third world country. Sasha: Ms. Priss, can we have your sugar? takes Miss Priss: Oh, oh. Heavens, no! Girls! Ms. Priss gets her sugars special from her sugar daddy. It's very expensive. Sasha: But we need- Miss Priss: B-b-b-b-b-but! Sell cookies for Cabo, girls! Penelope's going to Muffin Tops and riding out breakfast! (off-screen) I was in beauty pageants! Tabii: We need that sugar. Sasha: Uggh! I can't believe we have to work! Erin: We just have to find a way to get Ms. Priss away from her purse. Sasha: But how? Sasha: One box of wine, please! snoring noises Tabii: Good thinking with the mer-lot, Erin. Erin: It's pronounced "mer-loh-t". Learn French, Tabii. Jesus. Sasha: Eyes on the prize girls! Sasha: All right, girls. It's time to sell some.... Flowerscout cookies! Trucker Hat: Oh, no, thank you. Erin: It's a brand new formula. Tabii: Baked fresh with real Mexican cane sugar! Sasha: Smell that organic goodness! Trucker Hat: I'm- Sasha: SMELL IT! Trucker Hat: *sniffs* Um, yes, they smell very... GOOD! Oh, very good! I'll take 20! I fucking love these cookies, yeah! Erin: Um... I think we might need to make more cookies. Sasha: Shit! Tabii: Now what are we supposed to do? Erin: We can't sell a troop's worth of cookies without more cane sugar. Sasha: Ugggh, this is so annoying! I guess now we have to track down Ms. Priss' sugar daddy. Tabii: But how? more loud snoring Sasha: One cellphone, please! continues Dirty Kevin: *gasp* I-I'm just holding for a friend! Sasha: Calm down, Sugar Daddy. Dirty Kevin: Penny, is that you? Sasha: Ms. Priss couldn't make it. You're dealing with us now. Dirty Kevin: H-heh, little girls, I ain't interested in buying nothing. Sasha: Well, we are! Erin: Mexican cane sugar. Tabii: The good shit. Dirty Kevin: Oh, right. "Cane sugar". Look, Dirty Kevin don't sell to no kids. Sasha: You do now. Tabii: So, do you know how to bake? ♪♪♪ Sasha: *groan* Not good enough. ♪♪♪ Ugh! Can't this go any faster? ♪♪♪ Tabii: Stay - off - our - turf! ♪♪♪ Guzman: What do you mean, "we're losing business"? We're the goddamn Mexican drug cartels! Who are we losing business to? Blue-Shirt Cartel: Well, Mr. Guzman, our people are calling them: "Las Diablitas". ♪♪♪ Dirty Kevin: Uh, boss, we got a problem! Sasha: UGGGGH! What is it now? Dirty Kevin: Well, it seems this whole cookie operation has upset some powerful people... ...south of the border. Tabii: Like, in Mexico? Ew! Erin: Can we just build a wall around that place already? Dirty Kevin: The Cartels ain't too happy about our, uh, "sugar sales". They want to meet face to face. What should I tell them? Sasha: UUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH-- ♪♪♪ Tabii: I didn't even know Mexico had rich people. Erin: It's probably fake. They do the same thing when Americans go to North Korea. Tabii: You're so a smart, Erin! Sasha: Let's wrap this up so we can get out of this hella-gross country. I swear if one more street boy tries to sell me gum. I'm gonna flip. DONG Sasha: Um, buenos dias. We're here to see Señor Gooz-man. Purple-shirt Cartel: Uh, L-Las Diablitas? Tabii: Hey! Que! The hell, did you just say to me? Red-shirt Cartel: Las Diablitas. door shutting noise Guzman: So, you three are the ones who have been causing us such trouble. It was foolish of you to come... ---what the hell? Tabii: Hold up! Are you saying that... I'm stupid?! Guzman: Someone get this monster away from me. Her eyepatch is freaking me out! Sasha: Tabii, down! dog-like growl Listen up, amigos. We don't know what your beef is with our sales. Erin: If anything, you should be thanking us for supporting the economy of your gross-ass country. Guzman: What is she talking about? Sasha: HIT EM'! ♪♪♪ Guzman: Guards! Sasha: Now, I'm going to ask all of you losers this once and only once! You really want to fuck with these bitches? Or would you like to buy some cookies? Guzman: We will buy! We will buy all of them! Right?! Cartel Members: ¡Sí, sí, sí! Cartel Members: ¡Sí, sí, sí! Sasha: Thaaaank yooooou. Ugh! this has been the worst cookie year ever! Erin: But on the bright side. We should finally have enough money to go to Cabo! Erin, Sasha, Tabii: CABO! Guzman: But...you're already in Cabo. Sasha: What did you say? Guzman: I-I said you're already in Cabo! Tabii: Uhhh... no! This is Mexico! Mex-i-coooo? Guzman: ¡Sí, sí! Cabo San Lucas. This is where I live. Erin: Wait, Cabo is a city IN Mexico? Guzman: Yes! Sasha: Waste. Of. Time! Tabii: Ugh, I can't believe we were trying to win a vacation to gross-ass Mexico. Erin: Seriously. TRASH LID SLAM Priss: Buh! Keep it down, girls. Garden Mommy has a wine headache. Erin: Do you guys think there's anything to be like learned from all this? CRASH FROM CEILING Max: Damn it, Nikki. I told you to pull up! Sasha: Yeah. Thank God we live normal lives, unlike those losers. Platypus: Muack! Category:Transcripts